Work Work Work

I've worked double shifts the past few days and I feel it's safe to say I feel my life drifting softly into obscurity. The restaurant I worked at to provide for my weekly living while juggling school and family is now the restaurant I depend upon for my life of working. And it's not working out so well.

About to move into an apartment that may very well bleed me dry over the next year, thoughts and feelings of pessimism fill my head. Nothing unusual about that since I am quite the embittered optimist, but still there is that feeling of pervaded uselessness about my preceding years. It's a rough time in the economy right now but I don't want to blame that. I feel that I have the utilities and resources at my disposal to really make something of myself, to slam the handbrake on the course I've been sailing on and tear the wheel into the direction I want to be driving in.

Other graduate friends of mine are quite pessimistic as well and their stories make my job at the restaurant feel at least reassuring; i may be barely scraping by but at least I'm moving in a direction, though one I don't want to be dedicated towards for all eternity.

A few coworkers of mine have landed full-time jobs. Some are younger than me. Granted, they had a clearer view of the professional aspects of life that they wanted to pursue. My course was followed after encouragement from my family to follow my dream. I did and had one helluva time in school. Now that the dream is over I can't get paid to follow it.

I have tasted the "good" life, at least a life that I longed for and can see maturing into a full-time freelance gig, but I think I've already burned those bridges by placing my full-time job in place of the opportunistic one (it just doesn't pay to be a 'nice' guy haha).

People often ask what I'm doing with myself now that I've graduated. I tell them that I'm still working at the restaurant, but besides for that I've been looking for jobs in writing, publishing and film. Perhaps that's too vague. My goal is to become a novel writer (though not necessarily a novel writer *haughty laugh) and to also write a few screenplays. Film is one of the most expressive and widely distributed forms of entertainment and I'd love to give something back to the medium that has inspired me the most.

I dream of turning in my 2 weeks notice and setting sail on a journey of uncertainty, but reality always rears its ugly head. I need to live. I need to pay to live. I need money, money that I get from my job. It's a vicious circle. I write in my free time and I'm reading more than I had been, all for a glimmer of hope that one day I'll be able to create something meaningful to others.

Until I make the adjustments and the maneuvers towards my goal then I guess I'll still be in the same rut I've felt myself in for the past few months. My adviser told me to not stop writing under penalty of torture, which was good. I haven't stopped, nor do I plan on.

I still can't escape the feelings of, not regret since I don't truly regret anything, but perhaps a change of tact over my education. Had I studied a more professional-based field, something that had a higher chance of employment out of school I could then focus more on my writing, using that as my launching pad into the creative markets while not having to worry about money or, in times of desperation, direction.

I know it's useless to discuss "could have been" scenarios and that's why I'm stopping that now. I'm glad overall that things have led to where they are. My work ethic is one of the strongest assets I have along with my dedication and good nature. These are things people recognize the most about my work and without the years given to my line of work over the years, I'd be someone completely different now. That said, I'm pulling up an outline for the next piece I'm writing. This one's going to a contest. Seeing the rest of my life ahead of me, now seems like the perfect time to start breaking down walls.